A Certain British Secret Agent
by ucsbdad
Summary: Just a short story about how our favorite couple, individually and collectively, might have gone about writing about a certain British secret agent. Now COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

A Certain British Secret Agent

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I do not have a license to write about Castle. Rating: K Time: The indeterminate future.

"You're not going to write another Nikki Heat book?"

Castle saw the icy glare forming in his wife's beautiful hazel eyes and quickly replied.

"Of course, I'll wrote more Nikki Heat books. How could I not write more about Nikki? I'm madly in love with the woman she's based on, my remarkable muse."

"Then what did you mean?" Kate asked, the glare fading.

"I'm not going to write one just now. I've finished _Searing Heat_ but I want to write something else. Something quick and then I'll get back to writing more Nikki.'

"What are you going to write now?"

"You remember I was offered the chance to write a rebranding of the stories of a certain British spy?"

Kate nodded. "And you couldn't come right out and say that you'd rather stay with me and write more Nikki Heat."

"And you couldn't come right out and say you wanted me to stay." Castle shot back.

"So now you want to write a James Bond book?"

He shook his head. "I can't. I don't own the rights to Bond, so I couldn't publish anything without being sued. But, I've always wondered if I could have written a Bond book. What I have planned is to write a book in the style of the Bond books but use different names. Sort of a roman a clef."

"But you'll go back to writing about Nikki?" Kate asked suspiciously.

"Absolutely. And given how close to the Bond books it'll be, I doubt Black Pawn would even think about publishing it. I even have a little something already written. Just to sort of get me in the mood. Want to read it?"

Kate took the offered laptop.

Dr. Gold's Diamond Casino of Solace

By

Richard Castle

He stepped out of his red Ferrari and walked confidently towards the casino. As he did, the crowd waiting to enter parted as if by magic for him. He could hear the whispers as he walked past the crowd. He had very superior hearing, among other things about him that were very superior.

"George, if only you were so handsome and dashing." Amal Clooney said to her husband.

"No one else is." He said sadly.

"Too bad you aren't as smart and creative as he is." Melinda Gates said to Bill.

"I know. I know." The billionaire sobbed.

"Stephen Hawking said he was the only person who really understood him." Neil de Grasse Tyson said. "And he was a great help on Stephen's final book."

At the door of the casino, he was stopped by an officious underling.

"Do you have a reservation, monsieur?" Said an unimportant man named Vaughn. "I'll have to see if your name is on the list."

He gave the man a glare that turned his bowels to water. Then spoke softly.

"Bond. Rick Bond."

"Of course, Mr. Bond. Please forgive me." The man blubbered.

Bond walked to the hat check girl. He dropped his fashionable fedora and his overcoat on the counter. Thanks to the magic of Q, the hat would turn into a helicopter gunship and the coat would become a fully functional nuclear submarine.

He remembered Q fondly. Dear Madison, she had cried so when he told her that there was only one woman for him and it wasn't Q. The next time he saw Q she had turned from a lovely blonde into an old man. It seems she had been operated on, having no wish to live on as a woman if she couldn't have Bond.

He recognized the hat check girl, of course. He remembered everything. She had had two failed TV shows on ABC, one in the Tuesday night death spot. It was a shame she had fallen to this.

"Mr. Bond? Can I please have a child with you?" She begged, tearing up.

He thought for a moment, then nodded. He handed her a sheaf of papers. "Of course. Fill out this questionnaire and send it in. It'll have to be artificial insemination, as you must know." Yes, there was only one woman for Rick Bond.

"Thank you. Thank you." She sobbed.

The noise of the casino faded as he walked into the main gaming room. However, he would go to where the high rollers played. And no one was a higher roller than Rick Bond.

He saw that his way to the upper floor was barred by some goon with more muscles than brains. He recognized the man as some thug named Demming.

"Sorry, pal." Demming sneered. "The boss left strict orders. You aren't allowed upstairs."

Bond smiled and took out his pen. Another of Q's tricks, this pen would change into a 155 mm cannon. However, Bond used it to draw a line by Demming's feet. Once Demming, who lacked the intelligence of a chicken, saw the line, he was unable to move. He could only stare at the line. Bond simply walked past him.

At the top of the stairs was another cheap hoodlum. Bond recognized him as a miscreant named Big Nursey. Bond's highly trained mind could recognize all miscreants.

"Stop right there, bud. You go no further." Big Nursey said in an odd, high pitched voice.

Bond smiled coldly. He could not only recognize every miscreant on the face of the earth, he knew their weaknesses.

"Vroom! Vroom!" He said, imitating perfectly the sound of a 1973 Harley-Davidson Electra Glide with the shovelhead engine. He knew full well that Big Nursey's mother had been terrified by an outlaw biker named Big Wild Death Mother riding that very machine while she had been pregnant with Big Nursey. Or perhaps that was the name of Big Nursey's mother. The records were unclear on that. However, the result was that Big Nursey broke down sobbing as Bond stepped past him.

He walked into the high roller's room to find that the only one seated at the card table was his nemesis.

The man smiled evilly at Bond.

"So, we meet again, 3.1416." He used Bond's Secret Service code name, something supposedly known only to a few.

"So we do, Pi. So we do."

Standing next to Pi was a lithesome redhead. She was scantily dressed so that Bond could clearly see the double D cup boob job she'd had, and her very long legs. Those were also the result of human medical contrivances and not to nature. However, there was only one set of long legs that interested Bond.

He smiled at the redhead.

"Hello, Zucchini." He said, using his per name for her.

The redhead blushed, remembering the incident that had caused Bond to give her that awful nickname.

Bond removed a small package from his bespoke tuxedo.

"I brought you a burqa. Put it on and leave."

Unable to resist, the redhead did just that, not taking the burqa off until she entered the convent.

"What shall we play for, Mr. Bond?" Pi asked, shuffling a deck of cards.

Bond snapped his fingers and the television came on.

"We can't play for your secret villain's lair in the extinct volcano in the Mid-Pacific, as the Royal Marines are rounding up your minions as we speak."

There on the screen were those Royal Marines, indeed rounding up minions.

Bond snapped his fingers again.

"We can't play for the communications satellite you stole in an attempt to brainwash all of Earth with subliminal advertisements. Her Majesty's Submarine Underestimated has just fired a missile at it and…."

The screen showed the satellite blowing up.

Bond snapped his fingers again.

"And we can't play for the super computer you were planning to use to hack all of the world's computers, as a force of genetically altered raccoons is putting paid to that."

The screen showed a group of oversized raccoons, with the Union Jack on their furry backs, hard at work destroying the computer. One of them faced the screen and gave the well-known V for victory sign.

"Good show, Esposito. Bloody good show." Bond said.

"There is only one thing left to play for." Pi snarled. "The life of that ace Canadian super spy, Corinne Veneau."

Pi snapped his fingers and a curtain parted. There, tied to a chair, was Corinne Veneau, the love of Bond's life. He loved her from the bottoms of her magnificent legs, to her, well magnificent bottom, to her perky boobs and on to her gorgeous hazel eyes to her curly mane of honey brown hair.

Bond smiled. "Shall we cut cards for her? High card wins?"

Pi smiled evilly. (Actually he was incapable of smiling any other way.) He cut the deck of cards and held the card up for Bond to see.

"I seem to have drawn the ace of clubs, Mr. Bond."

Bond smiled and cut the cards, then held up the card to Pi.

"That's impossible!" The now former super villain cried. "You only took one card. How could you have gotten all three remaining aces?"

"Because I'm Bond. Rick Bond."

Now emotionally shattered, Pi slunk away, eventually ending up in Costa Rica where he studied the mating habits of bees. The bees, unhappy at having their conjugal activities interrupted stung Pi mercilessly. He didn't notice, the pain of being bested by Rick Bond blotted out all other minor pain.

Rick untied Corinne.

"Shall we go my dear?"

"Rick, I want to bear your children." The gorgeous Canadian breathed in his ear.

"You'll do more than that, I have Westminster Abbey reserved for our wedding. I suppose we'll have to use my hat to get there on time."

"Oh, Rick."

The End

Kate put the laptop down.

"The lithesome redhead was…?"

"Meredith, of course."

"Zucchini?"

"Don't ask. But what did you think of it?"

"Don't you think you went a little bit overboard? A coat that turns into a nuclear submarine? Getting three aces on one card? And where did you ever come up with the name Corinne Veneau?"

"It just popped into my head. Do you think you could write it better?" He challenged.

Kate took the laptop back and began typing.

To be continued.


	2. Chapter 2

A Certain British Secret Agent

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I do not have a license to write about Castle. Rating: K Time: The indeterminate future.

From Thunder with Your Octopussy Who Loved Me

By

Kate Beckett Castle

They were right, she decided. The loudest thing you could hear in a Rolls Royce was the clock. Her chauffer pulled up to the casino and stopped. She waited while he ran to open the door for her, then slid out, intentionally allowing her dress to slide up her long, toned magnificent legs. As she had planned, most of the men waiting to enter the casino, and many of the women, felt faint and moved away from her, feeling the power of her radiant beauty.

She quickly checked the outfit that Q had provided for her. Luckily dear Maddie hadn't had to put any devices in her Jimmy Choos, or in her Dior gown. She had been born with all the weapons she'd ever need.

"Thank you, Ryan." She said to her kindly driver.

"My pleasure, ma'am." And it was.

As she walked to the casino, she could hear the comments made about her. She was used to those kind of comments, and paid little attention.

Richard Gere whispered into the ear of his companion. "Julia, if we'd been able to get her for the role, we could have called the movie, "Perfect Woman."

"Do you really think she could be bothered with the likes of you?" She shot back. Everyone knew her heart belonged to just one man.

Hilary Clinton sighed.

"It's a shame she's English. She would have made the best female President imaginable."

Her husband said nothing, his mind being occupied with other thoughts.

British Prime Minister Theresa May smiled to herself and thought. _The Queen is so happy that she managed to get that rascal Harry married off and not spend his life embarrassing the Royal Family. Now I can have her settle that Russian._

As she approached the casino's entrance, she spotted a scantily dressed waif by the door. Then and there she decided she'd treat the poor thing to a new wardrobe, a makeover and tuition at an appropriate school. Sometimes she wished she had stayed longer at Stanford, but she had managed to graduate in seven months with degrees in economics, modern languages, history and tantric sex. Even back then, she had things she had to do.

"Here, you poor young thing…." She began before she recognized who she was talking to. "Alexis? What are you doing here?"

"Trying to get in but this bimbo won't let me in."

"Damn right I won't. This redheaded bitch has figured out systems to beat every game we have here. She stays out. And so do her friends. Scram."

"You can beat every game?"

The redhead smiled. "Now you know why Las Vegas is now Las Alexis."

She turned away from the redhead and faced the blonde.

"You had best let us in if you know what's good for you."

The blonde laughed. "And who's going to make me?"

"Me. Bond. Kate Bond."

The bimbo staggered back.

"Kate Bond? Of course you can go in."

"What's your name?" Kate demanded.

"Jacinda."

"Your last name."

"I don't have a last name. My family was so poor we couldn't afford one."

"That never stopped Cher, Cleopatra, or Madonna. Or Pele for that matter. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and make something of yourself. Leave here with your head held high and be more than some bimbo minion for a super villain."

"I'll do it!" Cried Jacinda.

Holding her head high, she walked out of the casino. Regrettably, with her head high, she didn't see the steps and fell, hitting her head and knocking herself unconscious.

"You can take the bimbo out of the super villain's lair…." Alexis began.

"We have to get inside. Can you distract everyone while I go upstairs?"

Alexis just smiled and headed for the roulette table. The croupiers, dealers and pit bosses began to cry. They knew they were going to lose. And lose badly.

Reaching the stairs leading to the high rollers room, Kate was stopped by a failed actress named Elle Munro.

"No further." Elle snarled. "The big boss doesn't want to see you."

Although she could have disabled the woman in many ways, Kate decided to use subterfuge. She reached into her purse and pulled out her phone, holding it to her ear.

"What? He is? Thanks for telling me." She turned to Elle. "I don't want to go upstairs now. Quentin Tarantino is coming in and he's looking for an actress for his next film."

No sooner had Kate spoken than Elle pushed her aside and ran towards the front door of the casino, tearing off her clothes and yelling, "Quentin! Here I am, lover boy."

Coincidentally, Quentin Tarantino _was_ just entering and he was looking for an actress for his next film. Regrettably, actresses do not always fare well in Tarantino films and few fared as poorly as Elle Munro in _Let's Kill Everyone_. Elle had to receive her Razzie award flat on her back in a hospital bed. But Elle always did her best work flat on her back.

As Kate went up the stairs, she saw she would be confronted at the top by the tall blonde known as the Ice Queen.

"Turn around and go back downstairs. Now." The Ice Queen demanded.

Kate sighed and quickly kicked the woman in the crotch. She double over in pain.

"Let me pass, "Queen", or I'll let everyone know about the extra equipment you have there."

The so-called queen motioned for her to pass.

She walked into the high rollers room to find that it was occupied by only two people. Her nemesis and the love of her life: Captain Malfeasance "Mal" Reynolds, of HMS Minnow. The two were playing cards. Mal was dressed only in his boxer shorts.

Mal glared at his opponent and snarled. "Go fish."

His opponent took a card and laughed. "I have the last book. I win. And you lose."

"I think not, Senator Bracken." Kate growled.

Bracken looked up and smirked. "Ah, Kate Bond. I've been entertaining myself by beating your boyfriend's pants off, literally, with a game of strip fish. Do you wish to surrender to me now? You know you have nothing on me. No evidence at all."

"I hadn't wanted to do this…" Kate said.

Bracken's smirk grew larger.

"Do what?"

"Show you my boobs."

Kate dropped her top and exposed her perky, firm boobs, topped….Ah, but our gentle readers aren't interested in Kate Bond's physical attributes. Only her great mind, character and courage.

Bracken, as are all men in such circumstances, was stunned. All he could do was stare and drool a bit.

"Sign this." Said Kate in a tone that was not to be denied. Bracken signed.

"What did he sign?" Rick asked, once he was able to concentrate his mind from the sight of Kate's boobs, which were now covered by her dress.

"He just signed a confession admitting that he was behind the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, the death of Elvis, the swine flu epidemic and the Syrian use of poison gas. And he has six thousand unpaid parking tickets in New York City." Kate snapped her fingers and two sturdy Scotland Yard constables appeared.

"Ryan, Esposito, take Bracken away. We'll send him to America where they still have the death penalty for parking scofflaws."

She turned to the love of her life.

"Coming, Rick?"

"Almost constantly."

The End

 **To be concluded tomorrow.**


	3. Chapter 3

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I do not have a license to write about Castle. Rating: K Time: The indeterminate future.

"You think that's better?" Rick asked.

"Vastly better."

"Where did you come up with a name like Mal Reynolds?"

Kate shrugged. "I heard it somewhere or another."

Castle thought for a minute.

"I think we should remember that we work best as partners."

The Spies Who Loved Each Other

By

Richard and Katherine Castle

Rick and Kate Bond arrived at the casino in the very first of Rolls-Royce's new sports cars. Even so, all you could hear was the sound of the clock, and not the 1200 horsepower engine. As they exited the car, Kate made sure that only the love of her life could see her long, toned, supple legs.

They were greeted by the owner of the casino.

"How's everything, Pumpkin?" Rick asked.

"Just fine as always. This is the finest casino in the world, after all."

Kate looked carefully at the gaming rooms.

"It looks kind of slow to me."

"Oh, that's because nearly everyone is in the main showroom. Grams is getting ready to go on. That applause you hear is Meredith and Jacinda warming up the crowd."

Rick shook his head. "As dreadful an actor as Meredith is, I'd have never thought she had such a gift for slapstick comedy. Even though I've seen it a million times, I still laugh when Jacinda hits Meredith in the face with a cream pie."

"That whole Three Stooges schtick that Jacinda does to Meredith is hilarious. "Alexis said. "I just can't stop laughing."

"Me too." Said Kate. "And to think Rick almost married Meredith."

Alexis made a face. "Eww! Can you imagine Meredith as my mom instead of Kate?"

"The mind boggles." Rick said. He knew how lucky he'd been to have met Kate just after he'd met Meredith.

Suddenly, they heard the sounds of David Rose's _The Stripper_ coming from another venue.

"But the new exotic dancers we hired are really packing them in, especially the women."

"Esposito and Vaughn are setting new standards for adult entertainment now." Kate said. "But of course I prefer a different exotic dancer." She quickly goosed Rick.

"Me too." He waited a beat and added. "That Roz Karpowski is great."

"Just wait until we get home." Kate said lightly.

"I can't wait."

'Oh, there's your old friend….What's her name?"

"Oh, you mean the Ice Queen?" Rick replied.

"Rick. Selling flavored ice at a casino is honest work. You shouldn't say things like that. It was just a while ago she was editing pornographic comic books and practically homeless."

Alexis nodded. "The redeeming social content was fine but the pornography was awful." Alexis added quickly." Or so I'm told. You really shouldn't criticize her,"

"My bad." He said, not really meaning it.

"We need to see M. Is he in his office?"

Alexis nodded. "Yes. The guard will recognize you. Just go on up. "

At the bottom of the stairs they were greeted by a tall, attractive blonde.

"Ah. Hastings, or 1066, as I should now call you." Rick said with a smile.

"Good evening, Sir, Ma'am." Hastings replied.

"What a cute little fellow." Rick said, spying a raccoon wearing a small tuxedo at 1066's feet.

"Call me cute agin, me hoyo and Oi'll be puttin' me shillelagh to yer noggin." Quoth the raccoon.

1066 glared at the little fellow. "Ryan! Be polite. This is the famous Rick and Kate Bond. You should never, ever interrupt them." She turned to Rick and Kate. "He's one of Q's little experiments."

"Sorry, gov'ner." The little fellow bowed.

"That's all right." Kate said. "Say "Hi" to Maddie if you see her."

"Will do, Ma'am."

With that, they went upstairs to the office of M, the head of the Secret Service.

"Hullo, Rick. Hullo, Kate." He said, welcoming them. "Please sit. How did the mission go?"

"We'll have no more trouble in the eastern Ukraine. Those Russian johnnies know when they're outmatched, Roy." Rick said.

"What do you have for us now?" Kate asked.

"Not much. The new US President seems to have things well in hand. The problems with NAFTA are over and the Canadians, the Mexicans and the Americans are all happy with the results. I hear that Cuba will be joining soon." M took a file from his desk. "By the way, they were able to provide us with DNA samples. In spite of the uncanny resemblance, neither of you are related to President Beckett-Castle, or her husband, Rick."

"It's still kind of creepy. The resemblance, that is." Rick said.

M nodded. "Creepy or not, President Beckett-Castle seems to have the EU straightened out. She's managed to put the Greek economy back on track and Kim Jong Un wants her to adopt him. The Chinese think they can do better by cooperating with the West than competing." Roy looked at a map on the wall of his office. "The Mideast is still a rather sticky wicket, though. We might have to give President Beckett-Castle a hand there."

"They should have let us take care of Assad when we had the chance." Rick grumped.

"But you have no mission for us now?" Kate asked.

"None at all." M said with a smile.

Kate rose. "Then I think we could have a night out. Followed by some time in. Coming, Rick?"

"Always."

The End

Rick and Kate looked at each other and smiled.

"Always." They said together.

 **Author's note: I'm also working on two more stories. There's Captain Kate and the Dragon, in which Captain Kate Beckett, the pirate, sails from India towards China and more adventures.**

 **Also coming up is The Girl I Left Behind Me, a story set in the 12** **th** **Precinct some three months after the end of Season Eight. Rick and Kate will meet some old friends. And some who are not so friendly. Sorenson, I'm looking at you.**

 **I do have a vague idea for a story about Lord and Lady Castle in Renaissance Italy, so I'll be thinking about that. I have some other ideas for stories, but nothing definite yet.**


End file.
